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Black Holes and Revelations   
07:45pm 21/10/2010
mood: artistic
 Black Holes and Revelations

Creation found itself
Overcome and so
Expanded and overfilled

An explosion of
Life setting everything aflame

This light so soon a darkness
Devoured everything in its path

Until only this perfect moment

Finally expanding again
Until All
It was Existence

From itself all of
The light and weight of
being swirled into Being

And when this being could no longer contain itself
it too ripped itself apart
to be essentially itself

Life free floating in the
Darkness that was Creation

Continuing itself until it
Could no longer contain
Then burned itself away
And back again
Living in the Land of Pity (fiction not so happy)   
05:23pm 18/05/2009

I think I want to stay wounded forever, she said.  I never have to face the daylight again, unless  otherwise forced. I can stand in my past, and refuse to move on, playing it over and over again so that I can predict what has already happened. I can lie down, and refuse to get up, and slowly ever so slowly watch as the world becomes less and less real.

All of those beautiful dreams, those shining things for the future. I need not even raise a hand, to shoot them, for without constant feeding all things die. Eventually, all will recede into memories, away from the shining light into the misty shadow forms.

At the very least, her mother said. She ought to give herself time to heal. No one can help she that does not help herself.  But, then she asked her mother, what is the point of other people, with all of this self-healing and self-helping? Aren’t other people then, there as a kind of lark, a change of scenery, a mirror to look at and adjust the collar of your shirt, or to make sure all of the buttons are in neat little rows?

Her mother just sighs, and says something metaphorical like, “ There is something in between being born, and dying and that is living. There is always something between the two points of need and desire, it is finding that thing that may still give you peace yet.”

She had no idea what her mother was talking about at the time. But eventually she would. She would in time, open up the windows and let the air in, let time heal and warm what had been left to the elements in anger and fear. Yes, all would be set right. But, that day was not today, and that time was not now. Now, there was just enough time to rest. And so she did.

Old music, with new meaning, "This Land is Mine"   
01:11am 23/03/2009
Here is about the closest thing to a sappy love song I can get...

"This Land Is Mine"

From behind these walls I hear your song
Oh, sweet words
The music that you play lights up my world
The sweetest that I’ve heard
Could it be that I’ve been touched and turned
Oh Lord, please finally…finally things are changing

This land is mine but I’ll let you rule
I let you navigate and demand
Just as long as you know…this land is mine
So find your home and settle in
Ohhh, I’m ready to let you in
Just as long as we know…this land is mine

After all the battles and the wars
The scars and loss
I’m still the queen of my domain
and feeling stronger now
The walls are down a little more each day
Since you came, finally…finally things are changing


Follow the days I’ve travelled alone
In this cold and colorless place till now
It’s what I had to pay


This land is mine and I let you rule
I let you navigate on demand
Just as long as you know…this land is mine -Dido
2/25/09 Highlights Journal   
03:24pm 25/02/2009
mood: accomplished
 The Snake

It was black, as I padded across the soft carpet of my apartment. It was that restless time again, not yet morning, still ambiguous night outside. I had fallen asleep too early and awoken too late to do anything really useful. My apartment is empty now, only my cold blooded friend remains, and even he is sleeping. I consider changing my mind,  Soubi might need his sleep, I don’t have any need to wake him. It is vaguely amusing that I am having insecurity about waking someone who is there, so that I may have companionship. It is no wonder then, that relationship with a snake is all I am willing to risk, and even then I am halting waiting for a sign of rejection. There has been so much of that kind of talk in my head lately, but I am resolved, I steel myself and open the glass box slowly. He seems nervous, I am certain I have woken him  up by now. But I lift him out of his habit anyway. We sit for awhile. He warms up eventually, and I stop being so nervous. He tries to climb up my glasses, unto the sofa and unto a bookshelf that his little  box is facing. I feel better after spending time with him. It is nice to have company, no matter how strange when I am feeling sad and restless. Today when I came home, he was actually awake. I think we are both more comfortable today, and this makes me very happy.

Effortlessness and The Book Store

This weekend Winter and Mittens helped me hang up posters, the walls were bare they said. One of the  objects that was hung was a poster, its tagline “Effortless”. As I am walking to the bookstore, I repeat that to myself, I want it to be a theme. I want to “do” so much I think life is “done”. I do not think this is how I like to be, as this idea has an adverse effect of freaking me the hell out independently or because of the lack of “doing” in certain circumstances. Then there are times I do too much, and later I feel as though I have wasted my most precious resource, me. I decide walking down my street that I am done with all that doing. So what is the effect of this effortless theme? Two things,  the first being that I catch the bus, as it speeds towards the stop, without intense planning, waiting and checking. The second is the cute student Book Star bookstore clerk who helped me find  a few books at the bookstore. He looked like a particular movie star from television that I had recently seen, and we had a short, pleasant conversation. When I relayed that story today, it was suggested that I go back and talk to him or some such. Which, to me sounds like a lot more doing. Instead I will write a scenario where we run into each other somehow, and that will be good as well. It will be nice to see him when I go into the bookstore for an actual book buying reason.


12:03am 15/02/2009
  Happy Valentine's Day and President's Day!  
New Dating/Relationships standards 2009 (Borrowed to be sure)   
11:51pm 14/02/2009
mood: self-righteous

Its time to set new standards. (Borrowed from “He’s just not that into you”) Rewritten in affirmations.

1.      I will date someone who asks me out first.

2.      I will date someone who calls me regularly and when he says he will call.

3.      I will date someone who knows he wants to date me.

4.      I will date someone who makes me feel sexually desirable

5.      I will date someone who is sober.

6.      I will date someone who wants to talk about our future.

7.      I will date someone accepts me.

8.      I will date someone is available, accessible, and attentive.

9.      I will date someone who is clearly good, kind, loving person.

New Year’s Day (Also know and an awesome first day of 2009)   
08:35pm 01/01/2009
mood: happy

New Year’s Day (Also know and an awesome first day of 2009)

So today was wicked cool. I usually go to family functions where I will not know half of the people there filled with dread and the like. Before I walked into my grandparents house I did indeed feel a bit nervous. But, I was reintroduced to people whose names I had forgotten, I got reacquainted with cousin who I had liked, and was now not only younger than me but pregnant and engaged. I spent the entire time talking with my younger cousins and assorted family, and when it was time to go I was a little surprised and disappointed. I hugged everyone I saw, and realized that even if I never saw them perhaps they did in fact accept me as family. For whenever I made the slight move to hug someone, the other person would make the acceptance move. It made me realize that before I must have never tried. For once, I felt like, they would accept me, and approve of what I was doing with my life, and all of it was true. I was open, and accepting and the world, my family was open and accepting back. It was a wonderful first day of the New Year. I am so glad that I went.

Anywhere but down   
05:38am 01/01/2009
mood: excited

Anywhere but Down

So 2008 is finally over. It’s 2009 already, and I can barely believe it. This year has been amazing, amazingly crazy, amazingly surprising, amazing stressful, just amazing in general. I don’t even remember what I was doing the year before this. More or less this is the year that everything has changed in one way or another no doubt.



I moved out of my parent’s house and finally moved into my own place. It sounds a lot easier than it actually was, but how can I possibly complain? It was free. I got new furniture, I got to decorate a completely new living space, and I got a fresh start where I knew no one. I have often heard how much of a difference moving makes, and to be honest I thought that the people were on vast quantities of crack when they said this. But I can honestly say that this was one of the largest changes of my life and though it did not start from here, it certainly made all of the difference. Moving in was much better with all the help that I received from my best friends and family with all the random stuff that I never would have remembered.



Holy shit! The difference between where I was going and good old Pierce is staggering. I am not going to say that Pierce did not prepare me, because frankly I don’t think there is enough adequate preparation for any type of move of this magnitude, new town, new peeps, new school, one school preparing me for that? Bullshit. It did the best it could, and it is only looking back from being where I am now that I can truly appreciate Pierce. It was my starting point, and I will love all the time I spent there or some such thing. Now, I have to actually go to class, read books, and study for midterms and finals. Which, is an inconvience but apparently necessary if I want to work my way up to that 3.7 next quarter without Shingles after finals. I could go on and on about the differences, but in the end, I feel much better at the new school because I survived. I will win the WAR and continue on to my PHD at The University of Pennsylvania with Dr. Seligman one way or another and UCSD is helping me get there damn it.



This has been one of the hardest changes that I had to go through, not being able to see my best friends, once a week, oh wait that wasn’t really happening before but uh…it COULD where as now that shit wasn’t happening since I now lived over one hundred miles away. But they have continued to be there for me in various ways throughout the year, and all the fears that I might have had about losing them or whatever do not seem to be relevant anymore. I also realized that if all I did was study I was going to shoot myself in the head, and it would take a long long time for them to find my corpse because I now live alone. Ahem so I joined a sorority and that was one of the best decisions that I made out in UCSD. I can not even begin to explain the shift that had to happen for me to consider anything of the kind, but it happened. I am pleased to say that though the path socially has not been the smoothest, I am grateful and appreciate for all of the love and support that I have received from my best friends, whom I love, my sisters and assorted friends that I have kept along the way.



I have moved from a place of isolation and not really talking to my parents and little brother and sister to actually enjoying the short visits I have at home, and wanting to spend time with them. I feel closer and more apart of a family that most of the time that I avoided. When, other people in my life had other priorities, when I went home they were there, and for that it helped me to realize one of the more stronger meanings of family. I love the more now than I ever had because I had a choice about how much I wanted to see them.



First, sometime during either this year or last year I ended my four year relationship and was to say the least bitter as hell for reasons that are pretty obvious. But anyway, I can not put all of this in public without some long explanation or side note, and that right there is a change. To be honest the first change to my romantic life came not from dating, but from my ideas about men which changed due to my ideas about what they were capable of because of my deepening relationship with a certain guy, who I still talk to regularly on the phone. But now I actually date, uh whatever that means I still have very little idea. I can actually like someone and I think that is saying a lot. I have my ideas about what may happen with this but in the end I am just glad I did not completely give up on the idea of love. For me that lose permanently would have been too great.




Well with all of these above changes, I have had to make some inner changes and do some soul searching and all of that. I have realized, that I do like living alone, and though it is sometimes lonely it is more often liberating and every day I am in my own apartment, I am thankful for having that space. I have realized that being alone can not possibly kill you unless you kill yourself over that idea. No matter how separate I felt from whatever at the time, I was complete all by myself. Now I am not saying that I am always so zen about the topic of me, but I have a greater appreciation for myself and my own inner strength. All of the ways that I thought I would get through this year, for the most part failed miserably, and I had to make up new shit that I had never done much less thought of before in order to save myself. I did it and now I know that I can do it. I learned that although I want to be with people, I need to be with myself, and that people with or not being with people was my choice. I learned that I could socially overdose, and that I do have too much people limit. I learned that changing location does not mean that you magically change and become a new and better person, that new and better person is the old and cruddy person, but realizing all of the cool stuff that they never did or had an opportunity to do back where they came from. Really I feel more confident in myself to handle the unforeseen and unknown, that from this chaos I can make a plan, and adapt it to what the real world actually shows me in response, while still holding true to my own ideals. I know that maybe I don’t have any clue wtf I am doing BUT I know the general direction that I am going, and I like where that is.


New Year

One of the affirmations that I have written is that “I am grateful for experiencing a deep sense of inner peace, completion and happiness”. I think that pretty much sums up what I am experiencing this new year with or without the rest of the things that I think will add to my growth, expansion and goals. I want to become closer, to all of my family and friends. I want to make the world a better place. I want to work my way up to a 3.7 GPA. I would like to be in a positive romantic relationship with someone who is also my friend. I am working my way to Positive Psychology and University of Pennsylvania. I am more of myself and that long list of all of those things that I would like nurture in myself and in others. I also want to drive my own car. There are other things that I want for myself and others but it’s only the first day, so I can add things on later. It will probably surprise me it usually does if I am learning much at all.




12:05am 27/12/2008

I am sitting here in my old room turned into storage closet, watching Lifetime movies and listening to the same song over and over again.

After a long retirement I am starting to feel like myself again. I am taking a breath after holding it in for so long.

Maybe everything is possible after all.  See you on the flipside, because believe you me there is one.

A mellow love song:One and Only   
03:13pm 24/12/2008
mood: mellow

"One And Only" by Teitur

I've been wishing on a star but I never could have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome travelling
Took one look in your eye, reached out to hold your hand
This is when I realized what I could never understand

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right
Which ever, come what may, you see I need to know tonight

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

Do you want to play these cards, do you want to lay them down?
Do you want to run away or do you want to stick around?

Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

09:51pm 25/10/2008

Sara Bareilles
Love Song lyrics

Head underwater
And they tell me
To breathe easy for a while
Breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me; 
It's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, 
You see

I'm not gonna write you
A love song
'Cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to
If all you have is leavin', 
I'ma need a better reason
To write you
A love song
Today, Yeah

I learned the hard way
That they all say
Things you want to hear

My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and your twisted words, 
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convince me to please you
Make me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, 
You see

I'm not gonna write you
A love song
'Cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to
If all you have is leavin', 
I'ma need a better reason
To write you
A love song

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see
With daylight, my guide, gone
'Cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it
'Cause you need one, 
You see

I'm not gonna write you
A love song
'Cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
'Cause you asked for it?
'Cause you need one?
You see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's
Make or break in this
Or you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you
To stay

If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to write you
A love song
Russian Tarot/ Horoscope : How to handle Horsey in pos 2   
11:45pm 19/08/2008

Today's Libra Horoscope: Aug 19, 2008

Today is a great day for you, and you should be able to get a tight rein on your runaway emotions, dear Libra. But don't yank on the horse too hard. Tenderness and nurturing are key elements of the day. The more steady and conservative you are in your approach, the more successful you will be with just about every task you undertake. Lady luck is in your favor

Personal Standard: Mutuality   
07:39pm 31/07/2008
mood: accomplished

Personal Standards : Mutuality.


I want mutuality in my life. I want people in my life myself included to also be mutually inclined. I am putting this standard into practice now by stating my boundary.


Definition of Mutuality:

1. Felt by each: Done, felt, or expressed by each toward or with regard to the other.


I  want me to be in relationships with people where there is mutuality specifically with regards to contact; phoning, texting, spending time together that type of thing. I  have felt for awhile now that not all of my relationships are not mutual in this way. I think it is time to test this theory, time to make my standard a reality.


I am going to try and contact/text/e-mail/message my friends once a week, I will not do so again until they do so for me.  I am going to initiate some time  this week.


Please feel free to contact me about the specifics if you want to know them.

12:17am 17/05/2008
mood: calm
I know thewhat. What is my inner triad.
1.       I walk with my Divine Mother and Divine Father in synch with my Divine Purpose and my Divine Self.
2.        I serve, motivate, and inspire the world by being a lover, wife, friend, sister, daughter, writer, healer, motivational speaker, myself with love, compassion and non-judgment.
3.        I live in a home I have built with my Divine Partner, husband, lover and best friend and everyday our happiness, abundance and love for ourselves, each other and life strengthens and grows.
I know thehow.
 It is on the way to the “what” and is affirmed by my thoughts, words, feelings and actions that are in synch with my “what”.
I know thewhen”.
 It is already happening now and will continue throughout my lifetime.
I know that what, how, and when of my life now and forever. This is my Declaration and so it is so.
The Summerhouse   
10:56pm 01/04/2008

You know that scene in whatever novel you a reading, where two people share a look. The moment is interrupted.  She runs away, and in the full moon night, she hears a noise, some indication. She runs outside only wearing a nightgown, and there he is a man, on a horse, he lowers his harm and without another word, she jumps on the back of that horse and they ride of into the night. This book, that I am reading has a scene like that.


It is a quintessential scene in a genre of romance, and for the most part I have forgotten it. I feel like I have remembered some vital part of  myself. Halleluiah ! Free at last! Free at last!

Free Audio book: As Man Thinketh by James Allen   
06:49pm 26/03/2008

It was written in 1902 it the language is going to be non-current but I was highly motivated by this.
3.22.2008 Tarot Reading (Strength, Judgement, 4 of Swords)   
05:59pm 22/03/2008

The spread I got was Strength, Judgement, Four of Swords.

1. Strength = You have found yourself in the thicket as night is failing, and you are not quite sure what to do, Strength would remind you to understand your inner dragon. Reconnect with the part of you that is fiercely connected with the deep power of the earth. Find the molten center that will fire your courage. Then infuse it with wisdom so you can wield your power with elegance, grace and precision.

2. Judgement= When you meet the face of Judgement, it is time to look carefully at your life and the possibilities before you. There is something you should be doing, something that would be a significant change from what you are doing. Whatever this something is, it is for the benefit of the universe and essential to your spiritual growth. To hear your guidance clearly, open your heart and mind and be willing to accept the message.

3. Four of Swords= If you are facing a difficult situation and find that you don’t have enough strength to face it, then don’t. Take a break, and get some rest. Your mind cannot function well if you’re worn out. Even though your problem will still be there when you wake up or come back to it, you will be much better equipped to deal with it wisely. And sometimes people do find solutions to problems in their dreams.

My Grove   
05:26pm 20/03/2008

It is a sleepy time, a kind of calm, quiet that permeates my walk home. Today is especially beautiful, with a gentle scented air that reminiscent of my trip to Hawaii.  I walk slowly taking in the gentle music of the trees; I imagine that my flowery writing of yesteryear has finally returned to me. I realize that my neighborhood marks the environment that I have been nurturing in my own living space. It is quiet, peaceful and resting. I can see myself wondering through one a wooded area, or a cultivated garden, as the lush greenness of the area overflows across the landscape. It is amazing that my appreciation has come to me now at such a time. I have been pounding out whatever is necessary no sooner than necessary concerning my work, resting until the next flurry of activity.  I am gathering all of my thoughts together so that I can finally write them all down and apply them to my life. I know this time conservation has been very soothing to me. I know now that I can return to this place whenever, I desire it. Finally, I have found a my Grove.

Texas,Letters and Mr. Darcy   
08:25am 05/03/2008
  I had woken up earlier and mumbled to myself about how last night I didn't remember dreaming, and was kinda disappointed that idea I went back to bed.

So in the very beginning of this dream it just seemed to be nonsensical. I was going with my father to a family renunion in Texas, we went to a computer store for some reason and then after that we were just going to go. We may or may not have met some family members who could turn into animals like chinese zodiac animals and then return back to their normal form. Its sketchy at any rate that part of the dream is not why I am writing about it at all. Its the second part.

So I am standing on a beach, and I get these letter one after the other from two gentlemen. For some reason at this point its shifted to I dont know 1800's feeling but its still 2008? I don't know  but anyway I am amused by these whole letters from two different  men arriving at the same time. So I open it from Mr. Westley ( The uh possible match in becoming Jane not James) I didn't really like him, I dont remember what he had to say. I get another letter one from Mr. Darcy. I know this because I get a a) I get a flash of him and b) whenever I read letters in my dreams they are narraed in the person's voice. It doesnt make much sense, I remember reading it but not what it said and thinking what in the world is he trying to say. I get another letter invitatons, I open the one from Mr. Darcy. It just opens with, " I love you" I am shocked. It goes on to say its unusual for him or uh was it gentlemen in general to say things like that but he had or something like that. So I am standing there in this dream shocked. In the dream him saying he loved me was equivalent to him asking me to marry me at least in my mind. I am suppose to write some type of response, I was pleased but I was wondering to you really want to end up with a guy like him? That thought didnt last long because as I responded, in this pale sort of lavender ink, I was trying to think of a way that he could manage to get to Texas, because I was leaving either tomorrow or the same day. 

So I woke up shocked. What in the hell did that mean? Mr. Darcy? I  mean I have been asking what I should do and where I should go...perhaps nowhere? Or maybe on the last day before I go to...fill in the blank. I don't know. I find it amusing though that Mr. Darcy if the equivalent of Tom LeFleur (Becoming Jane, James) + Westley's Money+ happy ending.  HAHAAHHAHA amazing. Wow. Alright I am sure I will find it in myself to get a gripe...eventually.
Tables, Therapy and Love   
07:33am 04/03/2008
  So I asked the Universe, what I should do...like a a job. I made  suggestion...

I had a dream that I was learning a type of therapy, wih this older man, where unconditonal love was built into it. There was this table, it was wood and it was there, between us, it was built into the table too. It has this symbol in it. It mean unconditional love in the dream. It also reminded me of the hebrew symbol for life, and a chinese symbol thats in a lot of things.

So I woke up and thought hmm...went back to sleep. I had another dream where it was mentioned, either I was looking for it, and perhaps another where it was mentioned, unconditional love...not necessarily the therapy. 

I guess that means whatever I do I shouldn't be a jerk about it. There is something in therapy called unconditonal positive regard , its similiar. Its a part of humanistic side, its the branch that positive psychology is in, but I also like some ideas about cognitive behavoiral therapy so someting like that...

As for my life in general and why it was repeated? I guess it stuck.  It did stick. I am still kind of squinting like...uuuh seriously? It is something that I am going to think about for awhile see what comes up, as well as the life=love table thing.